I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Thursday, 22 December 2016


I ended my relationship with my trauma therapist on 16th November 2016. I had the help and support of my mental health Care Co-Ordinator and her manager. This was after months of damaging comments, atmospheres, arguments, manipulation and lack of focus which had me walking on egg-shells around her. I got to the point where I did not want to turn up to sessions and dreaded our sessions. The relationship had become toxic, damaging, and abusive. There was real damage being done to me, to my therapy experience and to my mental health. And it had to end. 

The many questions evoked for me were along the lines of -- how is it going to be possible for me to end the relationship? Can I end it? Am I just going to have to tolerate it until a more natural ending presents itself? Or do I just walk away? What do I do? How do I do whatever I decide to do? Can I do anything? Will I be believed? All those questions and many more went through my mind.

When I asked myself early in November why I was tolerating a relationship which was actually hurting me and making me feel bad - my answer was "because I have to". My response to that was err no!!!!! I don't know have to! I'm trying to do things differently and get out of patterns from the past. 

Shortly after that I reached breaking point and just could not do it any more so decided the only right course of action was to end the relationship as quickly as possible.

The trouble was I didn't think I would be believed when I found the courage to tell my care co-ordinator what had been going on. That showed me how abusive the relationship had become. 

My Care Co-Ordinator was horrified by my revelations. She fully believed me and was totally supportive. She gave me all my available options and left it to me to decide what I wanted her to do next as well as what I wanted to do.

It was really hard walking in to that final meeting with my now ex-trauma therapist. She was extremely evasive, manipulative, defensive and argumentative. I was very glad that I had my Care Co-Ordinator to witness it and to safeguard me.

She pretended it was all a big surprise to her, that there was nothing wrong, that I had never intimated to her that I wanted to end the relationship, that I had misled her. 

When I challenged her she eventually stopped the arguing and lying and admitted that I was speaking the truth. 

She also admitted that she had been holding a grudge against me for an entire year. I knew that but had telling myself for months that a therapist of her standing could not be holding a grudge against me and I must be imagining it. But I had, in fact, been absolutely spot on!

What was even more shocking how she admitted it, she lounged casually in her chair and said... 
"oh yes, I've been holding that against you". 

There was no sense of regret in her manner. There was no recognition that it had been wrong for her as a therapist to do that, and for an entire year. There was also no awareness from her that there would be consequences for such an admission. She was as casual and careless as you like. 

For a moment I was silent in total disbelief of what I had just witnessed!

Unbelievable! Staggeringly and shatteringly unbelievable!! 

I still cannot believe that. I am finding it very hard to get past that. Deeply shocking does not get anywhere near it!

She actually used that grudge against me 2-weeks earlier when I informed her that I was thinking of ending the relationship and attempted to blackmail me in to taking a different course of action.

That final meeting was utterly awful, it was like pulling teeth. But I stuck to my guns. I refused to let her get away with her lies. I refused to be manipulated or persuaded by her to not end the relationship. 

I gave her a letter to read there in the meeting stating my reasons for ending the relationship very clearly with no ambiguity or room for interpretation.

Her response to it was shocking. We both watched her read the letter to the end very very slowly. Then even more excruciatingly slowly she folded the letter up. It was obvious that she was deciding how she was going to respond as she did that. And her response?
"I don't understand!!"

Which was met by a totally shocked silence for a few moments.
"I don't understand" is always her response, it is her "go to" default response to things she doesn't like and is how she manipulates and creates confusion and arguments.

I was not to be drawn in to any of that and kept bringing her back to the fact that I was ending the relationship and I was not going to change my mind.

After nearly 15 minutes of arguing I decided I'd had enough, got up to go and told her I was leaving. At that point she pulled out her masterstroke. She turned on the tears are said... 

"but there's all the things I can't tell you about what's been happening to me."

Erm so!! 

I was halfway out the door at that point and turned back a moment and said...
"and that is the problem and is why I have to leave"

It was staggering that as I was walking out the door her focus was not on me, her client of 5-years walking out the door to never walk back in again -- but upon herself and her personal difficulties. 

I had known for months that personal stuff was going on because she brought it into every session with her lack of focus and inattention. And again I was spot on! 

But for a therapist to act like that, it was deeply shocking. I have no words!!!

All that happened in that room confirmed to me how totally right it was for me to end the relationship and to do it there and then and to do it the way I did with a witness and support.

However, emotionally the impact on me has been enormous. I've had to deal with feelings of guilt, of having been horrible to my therapist, of having "ratted" on someone. Even though the facts show I wasn't. 

All the stuff about being a bad person have been triggered too. 

I seriously self-harmed a week later after I received a letter from my ex-therapist acknowledging the ending of the relationship but pretending nothing had been wrong and she could not understand why I would not want to continue working with her. 

My Care Co-Ordinator was absolutely furious - not only at the content of the letter but also at the fact that she had bypassed all due processes and sent it direct to my home address instead of through the proper mental health channels. I believe disciplinary action was taken over that, but the outcome of course is unknown to me. What I have been told is that several other clients have had similar experiences with that therapist and that I have helped them by doing what I did.

I was re-assessed by the Psychiatrist following that episode of self-harm and changes have been made to my medication as a result.

I am the only person who thinks I am a bad person. I am the only person who think I did a bad thing. 

Mentally, yep I get it, but emotionally, it's a different matter.

And I was heard, believed and supported in the process and since. As I am the only one who thinks I did anything wrong, it proves me to that I did nothing wrong. And somewhere deep down, I know that is right.

It was all really hard. Much harder that I can find words for.

But the main thing is I don't miss her!

I miss the atmospheres and the fear I felt every time I had to see her. I am very relieved I never have to see her again. But, no, I don't miss her, and that tells me all I really need to know!

But if there's one thing I have learned it is that my gut intuition is always right and I can totally trust it.

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