I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 19 November 2017

I'm Still Here

It's been a strange couple of months with me back in survival mode doing whatever it takes to stay alive and keep going. 

The ending of the SAGE group which was a shockingly poorly handled total farce. It knocked me sideways and I've been finding it impossible to get past the trauma of that which triggered me big time and left me actively suicidal and wondering why I ever thought doing SAGE was a good idea.

October is historically an awful time for me to negotiate, especially as the end of the month and transition into November. And this year was no different probably made harder by what had preceded it and I completely lost 3 days to dissociation during the last week of October.

My mental health support has settled down. For now my Care Co-ordinator is doing a good job of holding things together and reassuring me she wants to make sure I feel supported. It's still impossible for me to really trust the system and I'm waiting for the next time she goes off sick and hoping she doesn't, which is horrible. But still I do feel a little supported and encouraged by how she has responded to what happened earlier in the year.

I am still suicidal but not actively so - I have no plans to do anything but it's really hard to shake that inner voice which says "well you're going to, it's inevitable, you will die by suicide, so why not just get it out of the way". Thankfully I have a strong survivor in me who manages to over-ride all that stuff and give me reasons, some very tenuous, but still reasons to keep going. 

And in to the mix has come the DWP. I've just received my PIP claim review form. It's soul destroying to know that after putting my heart and soul in to the form it will be a toss of a coin as to what happens to my PIP claim, I could lose everything, keep everything, lose some of it, and somewhere along the way I may well be lied about.  I have 2-hour appointment on 29th Nov booked with the CAB to fill in the form, it's good to have their support! And so it begins... what I will be put through is unknown. I just hope I'm not as traumatised by the process as I was 2-years ago. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

So I'm still here, looking forward to putting the Christmas decorations up, visiting Christmas markets and counting down to my Christmas trip to Holland.

Saturday, 9 September 2017


The last few months I have found myself yet again, for the umpteenth time with no support from mental health services due to staff illness and other staffing issues.

In March I was moved to a new care co-ordinator who was on a permanent contract and in post to work intensely with people who've been diagnosed with personality disorders. I was moved to this worker because my current care co-ordinator could not give me the level of support I needed post SAGE.

I had 6 appointments with her, it was going well, I had the feeling along the lines of this is someone who I feel I can do great work with. Then I had 2 cancelled appointments during the first half of June. Then middle of June I got a phone call informing me that she had left and was not going to be replaced. That left me feeling deeply depressed, not valued by the system and uncertain as to what all the meant for me going forward.

To not replace her was the fatal error. I can understand why they didn't, how it was easier to save money by not replacing her but that shows a short-sightedness which is endemic at all levels of mental health care at the moment.

At this time I had my final appointment with my SAGE support worker who had massive concerns and said she would send a strongly worded email stating that the failure to give me extra support is hugely impacting on my mental health and that I needed solid support as soon as possible. 

Next I found myself reverted back to the care co-ordinator who couldn't give me the support I needed. At that time she was doing training and said she's be in touch once she finished training. I heard nothing for nearly a month which seriously did my head in. By now it is late July. Then out of the blue in mid August I had a call from her saying I'm back from leave, I've had an email from SAGE stating you need extra support. 

Well thank you for NOT informing me you were going on leave immediately after finishing that training. Aargh!!!

We made an appointment for the following Friday. She did not ask me if I was ok or needed help during that phone call.

The following Friday came and I had a message from the admin team informing me that my appointment was cancelled because my worker was off sick.

So at this point, the last support appointment I had with the team was 26th May 2017.

On 3rd August I had a call from the manager requesting an appointment with me. I met him on 7th August. He said he was there to reassure me. It felt like a charm offensive to me. He categorically stated that my worker has stated she will return to work 14th August and that he would email her to say get in contact with Fi as soon as possible, sooner rather than later.

14th August came and went with no contact as did the 15th and I thought she's not bloody come back to work has she! On the 16th I got a letter from the manager stating that my worker is not at work indefinitely and that if I needed support to phone duty or the Samaritans or the Crisis Team. It was a very cold impersonal letter which undid all the good of our meeting on the 7th.

The other issue with the letter is that it states clearly in my care plan that if my worker is off sick Duty is not an appropriate level of care to offer me. Obviously that care plan is not worth the paper it's printed on nor the effort that went in to it.

So yet again I have to fire fight a mental health system which is not fit for purpose, deal with that fact that yet again I have no support because of the crap system and have had to put on hold post SAGE processing for the time being which is very annoying and is having a detrimental effect upon my mental health.

Muddling Through

The last few months have been one heck of a roller coaster. 

I'm slowly getting used to live beyond SAGE. And I am really enjoying the connections I've made online with some other members of the SAGE group. That means so much to me.

Adapting to the positive changes in me resulting from SAGE has been very difficult, and maybe harder than dealing with negative stuff because I know how to deal with the negative stuff, I don't know what to do with the positive stuff, it is a brand new experience.

For instance finding that the ultra fiercely independent Fi who didn't need nobody has found that actually Fi really does needs others, needs the social connection and the interactions. That was a tremendous shock and is taking a huge amount of energy processing.

I've found that I am communicating with much more clarity and have in mind what information I will give away and that which I won't and my reasons for that. So my boundaries in communication are much better than they were.

I've also gone from being numb to being able to feel, and feel really deeply. That too has been a shock.

Getting used to a Fi who thinks, feels and communicates very differently is seismic! Coping with, and adjusting to, what those wide ranging new thoughts are like and feeling so much on so many levels is going to take a lot of getting used to.

Thursday, 29 June 2017


It's 13 weeks since my last SAGE group therapy session. I am very slowly adjusting to SAGE not being there any more and to missing the wonderful women I had such a privilege to work with. I'm getting used to how it feels and not feeling quite to raw about it. The deep sense of loss is lessening a bit. 

About a month ago a couple of women from the group found me on Facebook.  At first I was a bit thrown by that and wondered if I wanted to be in touch in that way. It took me about 4 days to realise that yes I did want to be in touch with them. That challenged all the programming inside me that said they wouldn't want to know me outside of the group. There are now 4 out of the 6 group members now in touch on Facebook. It makes such a difference knowing they are there.

Sunday, 30 April 2017


Following up on my post in Dec 16 I've now completed the specialist childhood sexual abuse therapy group. It ran from early January to the end of March.

It was the most incredible experience of my life and I feel extremely privileged to have done it.

Beyond that, at the moment, I don't have words for what the group experience was like.

I found the ending extremely difficult. That is a huge understatement! What did help me through was hearing the other women, including the group facilitators, having mixed feelings around the group ending and not wanting it to end. So I finally that something to challenge the internal critical voice about “not being able to cope, and I should be able to do better” blah blah. Actually, no, there is something about endings and grief that really knock me sideways.

Because it was such an unbelievably positive experience the void left by the ending felt almost too much to bear and remains very painful, one month later. The first couple of weeks I was totally broadsided by the loss and spent a lot of time “hiding under the duvet” as my mental health support worker puts it. I had my 1-month review with the group facilitators this week which was really helpful and it was good to have a consensus as to what next.