I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 19 November 2017

I'm Still Here

It's been a strange couple of months with me back in survival mode doing whatever it takes to stay alive and keep going. 

The ending of the SAGE group which was a shockingly poorly handled total farce. It knocked me sideways and I've been finding it impossible to get past the trauma of that which triggered me big time and left me actively suicidal and wondering why I ever thought doing SAGE was a good idea.

October is historically an awful time for me to negotiate, especially as the end of the month and transition into November. And this year was no different probably made harder by what had preceded it and I completely lost 3 days to dissociation during the last week of October.

My mental health support has settled down. For now my Care Co-ordinator is doing a good job of holding things together and reassuring me she wants to make sure I feel supported. It's still impossible for me to really trust the system and I'm waiting for the next time she goes off sick and hoping she doesn't, which is horrible. But still I do feel a little supported and encouraged by how she has responded to what happened earlier in the year.

I am still suicidal but not actively so - I have no plans to do anything but it's really hard to shake that inner voice which says "well you're going to, it's inevitable, you will die by suicide, so why not just get it out of the way". Thankfully I have a strong survivor in me who manages to over-ride all that stuff and give me reasons, some very tenuous, but still reasons to keep going. 

And in to the mix has come the DWP. I've just received my PIP claim review form. It's soul destroying to know that after putting my heart and soul in to the form it will be a toss of a coin as to what happens to my PIP claim, I could lose everything, keep everything, lose some of it, and somewhere along the way I may well be lied about.  I have 2-hour appointment on 29th Nov booked with the CAB to fill in the form, it's good to have their support! And so it begins... what I will be put through is unknown. I just hope I'm not as traumatised by the process as I was 2-years ago. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

So I'm still here, looking forward to putting the Christmas decorations up, visiting Christmas markets and counting down to my Christmas trip to Holland.

No comments: