I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 29 January 2018

THE 32ND ANNIVERSARY

This weekend saw the 32nd anniversary of me being beaten up and left for dead by my parents back in 1986. 

I am amazed that I am still here, that I am still alive somehow and that I am managing to live a little, not just exist, even if it only happens fleetingly. 

I had a migraine all weekend and my sleep has been severely disrupted. There is so much tension in my body and entire system. I really don't know what to do with myself.  I also don't know what I think or feel about it at the moment but it is important for me to acknowledge the anniversary, and the hugeness of it. 

I may not know how I think or feel but my body sure does and it is telling me what a massive traumatic turn of events it was for me.

The bizarre thing I do have to acknowledge is that it did physically free me from the abuse they subjected me too.  It brought 20 years of abuse to a sudden abrupt end. It left me totally alone in the world but it also made me safe for the first time in my life.

Although they stalked me for years afterwards, trying to control my life from afar, trying to constantly remind me who was really in control. It took me 20 years to finally get free of them, but I eventually managed it.  

Changing my name was the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I am really proud of that.

I am also immensely proud that I broke my silence and went to the police even though that did not lead to convictions. 

But I do take great delight and comfort in the fact that they do not know who knows what about them and about what they did. 

That gave me back some sense of control and continues to remind me that I am in control now. I am free of them although I am not free of the effects of the abuse in my life. I will be dealing with the effects and impacts of the abuse for the rest of my life. But I am safe now and no longer carry the weight of terrible secrets and the crippling shame that came along with those secrets.

So against all the odds I somehow continue to stay alive. I continue the healing work and I continue surviving and learning to live a little. Most of all I am at peace with myself in a way I never have been up until now. That, 32 years on is progress and something to shout about.

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